365 Days

One year.

It has been one year since my very first session with my therapist and almost one year since I published my open letter to family and friends, acknowledging I needed help.

Oh what a year it has been!

My therapist has called me a “poster-child for EAP” and has even suggested I’ve had an entire paradigm shift. Wow! But what is most important is the way I feel about myself. I am in such a better place than I was a year ago. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I am so much better than I was and I can always keep improving.

For the first time in my life I am owning my bipolar disorder, I am owning my anxiety and depression, I am owning my Obsessive-compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), I am owning my Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) and I am owning my addictions. I am also acknowledging my post-partum depression, although it is immensely better than the last time I fell victim.

I am not cured of any of said diagnoses, but I am aware, and I am improving. The biggest change for me was “coming out” so to speak. Once the people around me realized why I was acting the way I was, I didn’t feel so ashamed or embarrassed anymore.

I have recently gone back on medication after the birth of my second child. I’ve not been on it long enough for it to have taken full effect, but I’ll keep you posted.

As far as my OCPD goes, here are a few things that are a huge deal for me:

• I let MJ pick out her own clothes some days and even let her wear black socks with brown shoes
• I let the flowers and pumpkins on the front porch go wherever MJ wanted to put them
• Sometimes I put the TV volume on an odd number
• I calmly put the seatbelt height back to my desired position after Jacob drives my vehicle
• I didn’t correct myself in a text message when using the wrong your… once
• I no longer cringe when my dad over-skips on a DVR’ed show
• I am going to let MJ decorate the Christmas tree this year (huge deal)
• I don’t care if people know I let MJ come sleep in my bed when she wakes up at 3 am
• I don’t care if people know baby girl gets both breast milk and formula; I’m doing the best I can
• I don’t care if people know I’m not a perfect parent and I need a lot of help

Some other big milestones for me include:

• I’ve not gambled more than $20 in over a year
• I’ve not had a manic episode in seven months
• I’ve not thrown anything in anger in four months
• I have made the decision to somewhat give up drinking… a glass of wine here or there is acceptable or a margarita while eating Mexican food, but other than that I can’t tolerate it and the outcome is better for everyone if I step away.

While I’m extremely proud of the progress I’ve made, I still have some really bad days. On more than one occasion I’ve called my mom and asked her to come over, just to help calm me down, or so I didn’t feel alone. I still have depressed feelings and some days I still cry. Some days my anxiety is too much for me to handle and I do break down and other days I feel like I can conquer the world. I even took the girls to church by myself, once, and they did pretty well! On more than one occasion I’ve caught myself asking Jake, “what’s the worst that will happen, the girls are terrible, throw fits, and we have to leave,” instead of refusing to go somewhere or do something because of the fear they will be terrible, throw fits, and have to leave.

I am still very sorry for the things I’ve done in the past, but I’m slowly learning to let go of the guilt and start over. I cannot believe how much seeing a therapist has helped me. So if you’ve been thinking of doing it, jump in! It was the best decision of my life and my family’s life. You are not alone and you can thrive in life!