I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that means?

“She got her own house, she got her own car.”

Except I don’t. I am the exact opposite of independent. I’ve had others describe me as “Miss Independent,” but it is actually very far from the truth. In fact, I am D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.

My last session with dude we discussed fear. Turns out, my fear is being alone. Never in my life have I had to do something on my own, for myself. I asked him if that made me seem like a selfish, spoiled brat and if he thought of me as a one. He answered he doesn’t think that at all, he actually thinks it’s sad. He feels sad for me.

I couldn’t grasp that concept. Sad? Why is it sad? It makes me happy. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel loved.

My entire life I have had someone to lean on, or fall back on. In grade school, junior high, and high school, my mom worked at the school and was there any time I needed something. My dad was only a phone call away, and during my rebelling years, he stood up for me and had my back 100% of the time, making me feel invincible. No one messed with me, and I knew he would be there, so I definitely tested my limits.

When I got my first job, my brother worked there also, along with two of my best friends.

When I went to college, my dad worked only minutes away and my brother was attending the same University, always looking out for me. The night I got “roofied” (the jury is still out on this one), he immediately had a friend drive us home and made sure I was ok.

When I got my first real job it was within miles of my dad’s company and he often took me out to lunch and followed me home in bad weather. When I locked my keys in my car, he would drive back to my house and get my spare.

When I got sick, my mom would come to my house and rub my head and bring me Sprite. When I almost shot my two dogs for eating over $200 worth of clothes delivered by UPS, she came to stop me and took me to her house.

When Jacob wasn’t working, he was with me, doing anything and everything I asked.

Dude asked me if I think I could survive on my own. Honestly, I don’t know. It scares me to think about. I really do fear being alone. But is that so rare? I can’t imagine others don’t feel the same way. Does anyone really want to be alone? Isn’t it nice having someone there? I guess I am supposed to find a happy medium, but I don’t know what exactly that is, as I’ve never done it. Where do I start? What do I do? He suggested traveling by myself, if only for a weekend. I have extreme anxiety about this, but it’s probably doable, tons of people I know do this.

I also think that being a dependent person means you crave validation and approval. I even find myself needing approval from my dude, although he will not give it to me. This is possibly one of the hardest things about my therapy sessions.

I still don’t have all the answers, and am not sure I ever will; but being able to acknowledge my faults gets me one step closer to the healing process and that is worth admitting. One day I might be independent, I’ll just have someone holding my hand.