Enough

Sometimes… I get so dang tired of trying. Trying is exhausting. I don’t want to try anymore. I want to be a better person and I’m slowly learning how to do so, but it is so freaking hard.

Are we allowed days of not trying? Will it send me into a downward spiral of defeat? I don’t know the answers. I think it all has something to do with bipolar disorder. Some days it’s easy to try and feels like it doesn’t take any effort, but I’m slowly sliding back down my hill and I just want to give up. It’s just too hard.

At a recent session with dude we uncovered that I’m not actually doing this for myself. Once I started talking, we realized I’m doing this for everyone else. Everyone else who is important to me, that is. I want to be a better person for my spouse, my daughter, my parents, and my brother/his family. I want to make them proud.

So I asked dude if I’m doing it for the wrong reason. Aren’t you supposed to want to do it for yourself and not others?

And at that moment all the stars aligned, the waters parted, the angels sang and dude told me, “Does it matter who you’re doing it for? It only matters that you’re doing it.”

Wow. I never thought of that. You can read all the inspirational quotes you want on Pinterest and Facebook and feel cool saying “you do you, I’ll do me.” But guess what… I don’t want to do me. I don’t want to do better for myself. I don’t. It is the truth. I want to be lazy. I want to give up. I want to feel sorry for myself. And who would have ever thought that those feelings are ok?

Dude tells me I’m allowed to feel that way. I’m not going to change it.
But if I have enough motivation for my family to want to do better, for them, then that is enough.

Whatever or whoever your reason might be… do that! You do you (for whoever), and I’ll do me (for my whoevers). It is enough.

You are enough.