OK

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. It’s not that I haven’t had blog-worthy material to write, but it’s the fear of writing it. Most recently I’ve been dealing with a pretty dramatic situation that I somehow allowed myself to feel responsible for, when in fact, I am not. I became too involved and too attached to the situation and took on the responsibility of trying to fix it, when I cannot. I repeatedly told myself to step away and don’t let the stress get to me, but I continued to fight myself and feel guilt.

I have to be the people pleaser, I have to be the fixer, and I have to conquer this challenge. However, it simply is not feasible. Four days ago I walked away. For the first time in my life, I put myself and my feelings first. I’m still struggling with feeling guilt, but each day it’s getting easier. Does it make me a bad friend? Maybe. Does it make me a better mother? Absolutely.

There comes a point when you have to reevaluate what is most important in your life, and it might’ve taken me a little longer to get there than most. I have to put my health and the health of this baby first, along with Jacob and MJ’s well-being.

It hurts. I’ve cried a lot and had emergency therapy sessions. I feel like I let someone down who has always been there for me, but it cannot be my responsibility to save them. I cannot be the friend I want to be.

I’ve seen a few people post a quote on Facebook about taking care of your wellness before it becomes an illness, and that is exactly what I have to do.

One day this person will thank me for my efforts, trying, and caring, but it isn’t today… and that’s ok.

I will be ok.