Fearful, but hopeful…

With my due date slowly creeping up on me, I’ve been reflecting on my feelings towards this pregnancy and arrival of the new baby (especially after seeing her over the weekend via 4D/HD ultrasound- how cool that was). As you may recall, four months ago I was absolutely terrified of what the future might hold. I’m not saying I’m not still scared, nervous, or worried… but I can add the adjective excited to the list. I am so excited for this baby. I am most excited I get a second chance at being the mom I didn’t get to be while MJ was a newborn. I let my anxiety and depression overwhelm me after giving birth for the first time and I was too ashamed and embarrassed to ask for help. Instead, I often threw my hands in the arm, resorted to bawling and ultimately hid under the covers in my bed, leaving Jacob and my parents to raise a newborn. I was not a good mom.

Most days I am overjoyed MJ picks her daddy over me and especially thankful when she yells for daddy in the middle of the night! But other times I feel guilty that she chooses him because he is her protector and nurturer. He was there for her every single time I wasn’t. She grew that bond with him, not me.

I am most certainly working on my relationship with her now, and am making great strides in bettering myself as a mother, and even more importantly as a person. I’m still nowhere near perfect and have to remind myself daily she’s a toddler, but I am becoming angry less often and brushing things off I would normally let bother me for days.

I am excited that I know a little more about myself and about being a mother, which hopefully will make this go-around a little easier. I freely talk with my therapist about my worries of post-partum again, but this time will be different. Even if I do still fall victim to PPD, this time I have a plan… WE have a plan. Jacob is aware, my parents are aware, and if you’re reading this- you are aware. I’m not going to be afraid to ask for help. If I have to forgo breastfeeding in order to get on the correct medication, then by golly Little Miss will survive like every other child who is formula fed and I refuse to feel guilty about that.

I will be less worried about what every other parent thinks of me and do what is best for our family. I will be less worried at the first sound of an upset, crying baby. Babies cry. Instead of immediately handing her off due to feeling incapable of comforting her, I will try my best to soothe her, without getting frustrated. I know I have the capabilities of being a good mom; I just have to overcome my own fears.

So while I remain fearful and nervous, remember I am also hopeful and excited! I am thankful for this second chance and do-over. Something I would have never thought I’d say months ago.

So y’all, whatever your own struggles may be, you can overcome it – talk about it, plan for it, confront it. You can still be fearful and remain hopeful!