Going Dark

I understand there are people in this world who do not believe mental illness is a real thing. They think it is made up or perhaps even attention-seeking behavior. There are people who cannot empathize and some who just choose to not even try. They are the people who use the terms, “psycho, crazy, lunatic, nuts, etc.” More times than I care to admit I’ve heard snide comments about those who have suicidal ideations, attempts, or have gone as far as taking their own lives. Most people really don’t understand how it’s a thing, and others are just downright nasty about it. Maybe you’ve never been depressed and don’t understand what those feelings are like, but I will not let you discredit someone who has. “I just don’t know how anyone could kill themselves” or “that’s a really selfish thing to do.” Actually, until you’ve been there, you’re right, you don’t know.

In 2012, I was there. I did get it. I understand. It’s hard to explain, and I can’t speak for every person on earth, but I was in a really bad place, on the wrong medications, and truly just not myself. I was being bullied and talked down to by my supervisor at work, talked about in one friend group, excluded from another, not speaking to my brother, disappointing my parents, constantly picking fights with my husband, mourning the loss of an unborn baby, and lying to myself.

I had told two people I wanted to die. One brushed me off and the other told me I needed to seek professional help, which angered me, a lot. Now I understand she was only following protocol and actually was telling me the best thing possible; however, I didn’t see it that way at the time. I’ve spoken very poorly of her since that time, but have come to the realization I was only mad at myself and had no reason to defame her.

I wanted to quit my medications cold turkey, as I was absolutely sure they were making me insane. Two nights later, I found myself in the garage with a loaded Glock. I had written a very nasty note to my husband and was convinced everyone in the world would be better off without me. I stood shaking and bawling uncontrollably. It was an out-of-body experience and felt like I was only watching my body move and had no control over my muscles. My black lab saved my life.

It was freezing that night and my lab was in the garage on his heating pad. I kept yelling at him to get out, but he wouldn’t budge. I wasn’t able to drag his 75 lb body out the door and he refused to leave my side. He kept nudging my hands and whining. Eventually he started barking and continued to bark, the loudest I had ever heard (this dog typically never barked). Because he never barked, it alarmed Jacob to wake up and check on him, thus opening the door to find me there, completely defeated. He took the gun from me and walked me back to bed. We never spoke of it and pretended it had never happened.

This is why I did not take Bart Will killing my dog very well. He wasn’t just a dog, he was my lifeline. I am very thankful he picked that night to bark.

Since that day, I have never had those same feelings or ideations. Looking back on it, I am embarrassed and don’t like to talk about it. I was a completely different person with a completely different mind. It is amazing what all I have learned since that time, but I still will never downplay anyone’s feelings or considerations, even if it is totally unlike them, because sometimes we are unlike ourselves. Sometimes we let our minds do things without our permission, but let me assure you, mental illness is 1000% real. All. The. Time.