Itchy Tags

Today I wore an incredibly cute shirt, which landed me almost a bajillion compliments. Seriously, every person I passed in the hallway at work complimented me. It felt awesome! I felt awesome. But said shirt wasn’t all that great… it had… an ITCHY TAG! Anyone who knows me, knows there’s two things I cannot deal with: socks and itchy tags. I should have just cut the [explicit] out, right? Well I already had the shirt on, was running late for work (per usual) and didn’t realize it was really bothering me until I got to work. I told myself it was a mind over matter type of thing; a test if you will. Could I survive the whole day with this itchy tag? It became my challenge!

I’ve been learning to do this with other things as well. Can I expose myself to uncomfortable things and still survive? Can I disagree with someone’s opinion, but still keep on in my day without getting so angry and worked up that it overwhelms me? I can still hold my own opinions and beliefs, but not let it consume my life. I would not let this itchy tag consume my day, either!

I made it all day and evening with said shirt on, and when I went to put my pajamas on for the night, I contemplated cutting that dang tag out, but I just couldn’t. It was my ridiculous symbol that I could overcome anything if I put my mind to it! I controlled the situation, it did not control me.

Another constant struggle I have and have always had is with my weight. Sometimes my depression stems from seeing a number on a scale. I’ve let that number control my feelings for far too long. I’ve started back with Weight Watchers and have joined a gym with my cousin. Thankfully she keeps me honest and helps with my commitment to myself. I am controlling that situation, and I will prevail (maybe)!

It’s also election year… and the political social media statuses are only going to pick up, as if they aren’t enough already. We all need to realize something… no matter how many posts we have in favor of our beliefs, we are not just going to magically change anyone’s mind. That’s not how it works. I’m not going to read something you post about a candidate and suddenly change my mind and think, “oh you’re right, good point, I’ll change my vote.” It’s. Not. Going. To. Happen. So just stop. This is a tag we should cut out!

Another itchy tag I am still trying to control is my anxiety. I discussed this with my therapist today and he helped me realize, I am just not a good baby parent. G’head, judge me. I said it. I don’t enjoy parenting a baby. I am prepared for your backlash, but I guarantee someone out there is going, “YES GIRL! PREACH!” So to my one supporter, I see you. You will not hear me saying, “time, slow down” when baby girl reaches another milestone. I cannot wait for those milestones! My anxiety with MJ has calmed down so much since she’s become more self-sufficient, but only to increase with baby girl. Every time she cries I tense up, every time I can’t figure out what’s wrong with her, I tense up, every time Jacob has to get up with her in the night, I tense up. Please baby girl, grow up, so I can enjoy being your mommy!

Now, only to contradict my previous paragraph, something very strange recently happened. Someone had told us they are expecting a baby, and would you believe it, but I was jealous! WHY? I don’t want any more kids, I don’t want to be pregnant again (ever) and I don’t ever want to experience postpartum again. But I was genuinely jealous. My therapist explained you can still want feelings, but not the actual things. I’ve not yet come to terms with myself that I will never again have the excitement of a baby and all things that come with it- picking out names, nursery colors, newborn outfits, using being pregnant as an excuse for literally everything! So there it is, I’m jealous, and that is really hard for me to admit, but that tag will stop itching eventually.