Don’t Forget the “P”

I talk about my anxiety and depression a lot these days, but something I seem to overlook is one of my biggest struggles—living with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). I am probably most ashamed by this because it’s the part of my diagnosis that makes me feel legit crazy. I obsess over the smallest, most crazy things that when I say them aloud, I can see the “really?” look on others’ faces. But yes… really. These things are what drive my anxiety and often times lead me into a state of depression.

I am currently there. I’m in the middle of working it out in my mind as I type this. I am trying to cope. I am trying to see all sides, but it is making me go insane. I am fixated and can only focus on this one thing.

Background- OCPD is not the same thing as OCD- don’t forget the P! People often confuse the two. “Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is a disorder in which a person has uncontrollable recurring thoughts and behaviors which he or she feels they need to constantly repeat, like repeatedly turning a light switch on and off or counting the number of times they tap their finger on a table. Obsessive compulsive personality disorder, however, is characterized by the need for order, perfection, an excessive attention to detail, a need to control one’s surrounding environment and emotions and an extreme devotion to work or productivity” (MainLine Health).

This need for order and perfection controls my life, it controls my emotions, and it controls my livelihood. I don’t expect anyone to understand this, I only ask that you respect it. You don’t have to believe I spend hours crying over a misplaced flower pot, but just accept that I don’t want you touching my flower pot. It’s that simple. There is an unexplained order to the way I have and want my things, please just leave it that way.

I can’t imagine that living with me is easy. I know it’s hard and I know Jacob rolls his eyes when I leave the room, but I can’t stop. I can’t.

I am not opposed to change, I just need to be made aware of it. For instance, the whole inspiration for this piece comes from a recent occurrence involving a magnet. Yes, you read that correctly. A freaking magnet. Let me explain.

There is a rhyme and there is a reason to everything on my refrigerator. Everything. Certain pictures are on certain sides, with a specific color of magnet. Godchildren are on the west side, all vertical pictures, in order of birth. They have matching magnets to the color of outfit they are wearing. On the south (front) of the fridge is family members, specifically nieces, nephews, and cousins’ kids. In the top left corner is a very special picture and magnet combo; this is a picture of my grandma and grandpa Meinhart, from probably 15 years ago, when they were both in their prime and looking fantastic. This picture is held up by a guardian angel magnet, because I hope my grandpa is my guardian angel, and at this current time, my grandma needs some extra looking after.

Now comes the issue. A new picture appeared on the west side of the fridge, being held up by none other than my guardian angel magnet. I racked my brain as to why in the world this had happened. Jacob knows better than that. Did my mom put it there? Maybe she doesn’t realize I don’t want her rearranging things (although she should know better). Is it possible MJ moved it? No answer makes sense. Jacob swears he didn’t touch or move anything. I text my mom who also denies doing such a thing. I asked MJ, she said “don’t touch,” clearly she knows better… so now, not only am I spiraling out of control because my order has been disrupted, but there is a mystery on our hands! One of the things I dislike more than my order being disrupted, is the unknown. I can’t stand not knowing something. I need an explanation.

So someone needs to come forward!

I would like to say, I’m not mad about the picture. The picture can stay, it just needs to go on the south/front, and needs a different magnet. I’m sure whoever put it there, did not know that. I’m sure it was a simple, unknowingly act. But I have to know these things, and there is a way to go about such things. The element of surprise is not a friend of mine. I did not sleep last night because of this innocent (at least I hope) act.

On another note, I need this out in the open. There used to be five hostas in front of my house, that is until my dogs dug one up, leaving four, which are now not centered with the front window. I’ve asked Jacob multiple times to rip out the fourth hosta, so there will only be three and they will be centered… he seems to still not have found the time to do that. So yes, I am aware it’s off balance, it bothers me every day I look at it, luckily not many people see it thanks to this quarantine!!

In conclusion, my name is Mandy Jo and I have OCPD; leave my stuff aloooone!!!!!!

Thank you.