9.24.2011

What should have been the happiest day of my life, was ruined… by me.

I single-handedly ruined my wedding day. Not only for myself, but for several others. 2011 was prime-time for my mania and intermittent explosive episodes. PRIME. TIME.

I remember getting ready in the morning and everything being great. I remember walking up to the church entrance and thinking everything was wonderful. I remember the entire wedding mass and enjoying every single moment of it. I remember the hay ride afterwards and everyone having fun. I loved the speeches, toasts, meal, and our first dance. I remember dancing with my dad and watching Jacob with his mom.

And then… I remember being drunk and hateful. I remember making a scene and yelling things I regret. I was dropping F bombs in the presence of my mom and AT my mom. I remember screaming. I remember crying.

I don’t remember dancing. I don’t remember talking to anyone. I don’t remember having fun. I remember me, being out of control, completely psychotic and fearful my new husband regretted the decision he had just made.

That was nine years ago. I can’t pretend the past didn’t happen, but I can no longer dwell on it. I have gotten better. So much better. Not only for my husband who stuck it out, not only for my children who need a present and stable mom, but for me! I’m getting so much better for myself.

The first five years of our marriage was nothing to write home about. Constant fights about who knows what, me battling back and forth between manic highs and depressive lows; completely wiping out our savings account between shopping and gambling, going out every chance I got, never asking permission or clearing it through my spouse.

Then, 2016 came around and our lives changed. I suddenly wanted to be the person Jacob deserved and the mom MJ deserved. I got help.

Now, I feel like I’m in a marriage. Now I don’t have constant guilt over my head about the things I’ve done and regret. Now my husband looks at me a different way, maybe so much as to call it being proud. I hope he is proud of me. I’m proud of me.

Looking back at our wedding photos to reminisce about this day nine years ago, doesn’t really bring me much joy. I feel guilt and I feel regret. But as of 9.24.2020, those feelings are being put to rest, and I am looking forward to the rest of our lives. We only go up from here, and will make the absolute best out of what we have… and thanks to my gambling habits—it just so happens, we have each other.