What Are You Waiting For?

Over the last four or five months, I’ve had a few people reach out to me about anxiety, depression, OCPD, bi-polar, and one of my favorites, “going batshit crazy.” My advice to all of them has been the same, “Have you tried counseling?” Over fifty percent of the answers have been, “no” followed by an excuse. I try to talk them out of the excuses and say there’s no time like the present! Do it now! You don’t know what you’re missing out on and how much better you’ll feel.

Well… I have a confession to make. I’ve not been to counseling since March 2020 and perhaps I am the one needing to take my own advice. What am I waiting for? What excuses have I been making? Oh, I’m too busy. Who will watch my girls? Jake’s busy with two jobs. I couldn’t do it during harvest. I couldn’t do it during deer season. I couldn’t, I couldn’t, I couldn’t. But I can.

So I put on my big girl britches and scheduled the appointment to go back. Unfortunately I can’t get in until mid-January, which I should’ve known before I ever called. Why did I wait so long? Why are you waiting so long? By the time you get the courage worked up to make the call, it may be summer. So do it now! Make the call.

And because I can’t see my therapist until mid-January, there’s nothing better than a new blog post.

Things aren’t great. Things aren’t good. Things aren’t even mediocre. I am in a bad place. Mentally, emotionally, financially, physically. You name it. I am not happy. I am not doing well. While my meds have been helping, somewhat, they can only help so much. I did ask my family doctor to increase my anxiety medication as I’ve started eating it like candy. Last week I stood in the babysitter’s driveway after dropping of my girls for about ten minutes, just casually throwing up. I wasn’t sick. I was anxious.

Several people ask me about how much weight I’ve lost and how I’m doing it. The answer: 30 pounds and not in a healthy way. When you’re anxious, you’re nauseous, and when your nauseous, you don’t eat, and then… surprise, when you don’t eat, for weeks on end… you lose weight. I don’t encourage anyone to use this method.

This past weekend I attempted to drive the family to our family Christmas in Indiana. I made it as far as Marshall on I70 and told my dad he’d have to drive the rest of the way, because I was in a panic and anxious. This is the first time I’ve had this happen while driving. Maybe it was because it wasn’t my vehicle, or maybe because it wasn’t just me and my girls. I had several lives in my hands, and then the fact I didn’t know where I was going. Everything lined up for rapid, shallow breathing and then a minor panic attack.

I took my meds and laid in the back seat to take a nap. Once we arrived I was fine. Crisis averted. But this was very new for me. I have always prided myself on being Trucker’s granddaughter and knowing how to drive like the professionals.

A few other, more personal things, have occurred that I’m not entirely comfortable discussing aloud just yet. Several of you know what these are, and a few of you know about one or the other. I’m slowly addressing each issue and asking for help from those I can trust, no matter how embarrassing it might be.

And of course, I can’t blogged in December without addressing my seasonal depression. I want this time of year to be so, so great. Especially for my girls. But it is so stressful and I’m spiraling. When I get home from work I want to go to bed and sleep. Some nights they eat Pop Tarts for supper while I’m sleeping on the couch. That’s just the damned truth. I can’t keep track of things like I should be and I have no memory to brag about anymore. Things are just tough.

This time of year also stresses me out financially. I’ve learned that creditors can’t and won’t help you unless you’re six months behind on payments, no matter how good of a person you’re trying to be paying the minimum on bills. And the bills continue to climb, all the while trying to Christmas shop for everyone. I received my first debt collections threat in the mail last week- still trying to pay off some of MJ’s medical bills that I just can’t seem to get ahead on.

Additionally, it’s also the time of year that I want nothing more than to be invited to things, but let’s be honest– I’m not going. But it’s still nice to have the inclusion. So thank you to all that have made plans, only for me to bail on you (Blackout Wednesday, Girls Wine Night, etc.), I do appreciate it!

And when I do decide to attend some festivities and I sit in the corner very quietly, I’m not intending to be snotty. I just don’t know what to say or how to say it without causing myself to cry. So please be patient with me. Coming out of a depressive state never gets easier, but it does make me wiser. So perhaps by just saying this, I know what I’m waiting for. Better days!