New Year, Old Me

Let’s not bore each other with this “new year, new me” nonsense. You know I’m not going to change, and I know I’m not going to change. But what I can do is work on accepting that.

It’s January and I am more exhausted, stressed, depressed and anxious than ever. I spend most of my morning routine throwing up because of nerves. I am on edge and extremely short with Jacob and my kiddos. I come to work and sit in my office with my door shut all day. I do my very best to avoid everyone and everything.

Last night I went to bed at 8 p.m., because I couldn’t deal with crying kids any longer. Why do they cry so dang much? I can’t take it. Now don’t be fooled, I didn’t fall asleep when I went to bed, I tossed and turned until about 2-2:30 a.m. thinking about how horrible of a mom I am and how bad of a wife I am. I’m not a great friend, mediocre at best; not a great sister or sister-in-law, not really that great of an aunt and quite the disappointing Godmother. I’m sure my parents will tell you I’m just a dandy daughter, but we all know that isn’t true either. It’s not that I’ve done anything bad or unmentionable, but it’s not like I’ve been doing anything great or remarkable either. I’ve just been existing.

MJ told the babysitter I’m mean. She’s not lying. I am mean. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I had more energy to be fun and play along with all the games she asks. I wish I had the patience of my grandma Meinhart and could be understanding of her. I just get so frustrated with her and I am so guilty of saying things I regret and shouldn’t say to a five year old. And somehow, when she wakes up in the morning she tells me I’m special and she loves me. I’m glad she loves me, because I’m sure having a hard time doing so.

I go back to see my therapist next week, so I’m hoping things will turn around and he can help me get over this funk. I know I can’t change my feelings, but I need to relearn how to accept them and remember it’s ok. I want to be better. I want to do better… but right now I’m too exhausted to put forth the effort.

Here’s to 2022!