Rest In Peace

Yesterday I was asked, “Do you ever regret posting the things you do?”

Never. Often times I will write a blog late at night and wait until noon the next day before posting, just to make sure I’m ok saying what I’ve said. Sometimes I don’t wait and jump the gun. But I have never regretted sharing the things I post.

Sometimes I second-guess myself, sure. Sometimes I post things and then walk into work Monday morning knowing I have to face my coworkers who I know have read my darkest secrets. The next time I walk into Jake’s work I know his coworkers have read my darkest secrets. The next time I walk into the bank I know they’ve read my darkest secrets. But that’s ok.

Some will say my blog is attention-seeking. And they’re right, it is. If I can change one person’s mind about mental illness while seeking their attention, then my job is done. We need more attention brought to this, or nothing is ever going to change.

Some will say I am fishing for compliments. And they’re right, I am. Sometimes I need reassurance that I am important and I matter. I am my own worst enemy and some days I need friends, family, or acquaintances to remind me I can make a difference.

It is super scary typing out things I know may make you all think less of me. But that’s ok. I could make my blog private, that’s an option. But once again, if I can help just one person or open one person’s eyes, I’m happy with sharing my thoughts, experiences, and feelings. No matter how dark they are, or unspeakable. They are my authentic feelings.

Every single day I try to better myself. Not every day I succeed. Most days I fail. Miserably. Any time I think I’ve hit my lowest, I somehow manage to surprise myself and top it. But I most want to surprise myself with how I will recover. I’ve not been doing a good job recovering these past few days. But I can change it. I’m the only person who can change it.

So today I move forward. A few people in my life are now dead to me in this journey forward, but that’s just what I have to do to be at peace with myself. A good friend asked me why I even value the opinions of such hateful people. Would I ever go to these people for advice? The answer is no. So why should I give them that control and power over my emotions? So it ends today.

Rest in peace.