Remember This.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of the strides I’ve made in my mental health journey. Especially now. While my cancer diagnosis has completely consumed my life, it didn’t erase my depression or anxiety. If anything, it made it worse. I am absolutely doing my best to stay positive and laugh off anything and everything I possibly can.

But to be honest, cancer is depressing. Cancer is lonely. Of course the first week or two I was overwhelmed with outpouring support from everyone. Hundreds of texts saying if you need anything, I’m here. But the third week, and fourth week, and fifth week… crickets. The newness wore off. I’m just another person with cancer. And that’s ok! I realistically can’t expect everyone’s lives to stop just because mine did. That’s not how this works. But boy do I get angry. And then I feel guilty. And then I get sad. And then I get angry. Then I go get the mail and read the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful cards, mostly from complete strangers who know me only as Malignant Mandy. I repeatedly tell myself that sending cards isn’t something my generation does, we just text, so don’t be upset. But there are no texts. I tell myself, they don’t know what to say so they say nothing. And that’s ok. But it’s also very lonely.

Playing devil’s advocate I tell myself, and what if they did text? You probably will be sleeping and won’t answer, so who’s the real asshole in all this? But it’s still lonely.

Cancer is tough on its own, then to add mental health issues just sucks. It really, really sucks. I can’t be Positive Patsy all day every day, but I don’t want to be Debbie Downer all the time either. So I sleep a lot… just to get through the days.

This isn’t my plea for your attention. This is merely me documenting my feelings so in six months I can remember why I hated this so, so much and will forever support others who will face this same battle. I will remember their world has stopped and maybe they could use a nice card in the mail or an unexpected drop off of Niemerg’s bananas in strawberry glaze. Maybe the one and only thing they can even think about stomaching is a strawberry banana smoothie from McDonald’s and I can be the person who makes their day. I hope I always remember this feeling, not to experience the loneliness, but to know others will be going through it just the same.