2023: parte uno

A chain of events has inspired today’s blog. While waiting in line at Marshall’s, the lady in front of me handed me a tiny little bag, with what I thought was going to be drugs, but turned out to be a mustard seed. Then I received a text/TokTok link and then I read my best friend’s Facebook post. And here I am, now reflecting on all these things that have been shared with me.

It’s been almost a year since the night I contemplated suicide. Yes, ending my life. Out of anger and despair. I didn’t want that anger in my heart, I had worked so hard for six years to mend my broken, shattered, self-abused heart. My suffered soul. It took everything I had to get to the really good place where I was; my mind was, my heart was. It all came crashing down that night. I had lost everything I had worked so hard toward.

I hated myself after that night, and I added a long list of others to it. I hated them for what they did and I hated myself for what I allowed them to do to me. I hated myself for the things I said and the way I reacted. My entire summer I lived in spite. Pure evil spite.

I hurt my mom. I hate that I hurt her, she didn’t deserve it. I made her choose. I threatened keeping my girls from her if she dare chose wrong. She chose wrong, in my eyes.

At the time, I didn’t know her mother’s dying wish was for her to keep her family together; to keep the peace, to remain strong no matter what, to be the glue. I put her in an impossible place, and I hate myself for that.

August rolled around and tore down everything I had started to repair. I didn’t have time to plot evilness anymore; I only had time to fight for my life… in a completely different way. If I was going to lose my life, it was going to be on my terms, not that dirty slut cancer’s.

Five months I’ve spent battling outside my body and inside my head. I’ve been to hell and back. I conquered hell. And my mind, my body, my heart, and my soul just need a fucking break. A break from thinking, a break from feeling, and a break from hating. Whether it be myself or my mom’s family, I just can’t do it anymore.

I must let go, and let God. I don’t even really know what that corny-ass quote means, but here I am.

So to those I’ve hated for almost a year… I’m done. I don’t hate you anymore. I don’t have the time, and I most definitely don’t have the strength. Should I one day come across you while you’re on fire, I will absolutely pour my water on you and help put you out. You deserve to live just as much as I do. I wish you all nothing but the very best.

I wish myself nothing but the very best. 2024 has got to be my year, because 2023 sure the hell wasn’t!