Another Girl… !ish

If you haven’t heard by now (ya know, like in the olden days when word of mouth was the main form of communication) our family is expecting another little girl! Jacob and I both really had our hopes up for a boy, and I won’t lie and pretend like I wasn’t disappointed when I heard the Ultrasound Tech whisper, “Line, Line, Line… Girl!” I’m pretty sure at that moment all the air had left the room and the three of us sat in silence. The tech awkwardly continued to take measurements and I looked at her to ask, “has it ever been this awkward for you before?” She reassured us our reactions were normal, and even a little mild as one dad had punched a wall before.

A few tears started to form in the corners of my eyes and I couldn’t help but weep. The tears were immediately followed by guilt. How could I be upset with a perfectly healthy baby when I know people who would give up everything they have to be granted this opportunity? Once again, I can’t sugarcoat this; it took me a long time to get over the disappointment. Weeks.

After visiting with my therapist and sharing my extreme let-down, he told me I just have to change my thought process and get over the disappointment. How do I make myself excited? What do I have to do to accept this baby, this baby girl, as being everything I need? He suggested naming the baby right away, so I can become connected. Which makes complete sense to me- MJ had her name at 20 weeks! While Schu #2’s name isn’t a secret, I won’t be broadcasting it out on the internet either. I don’t need everyone’s opinions and/or trying to change my mind because they don’t like it. I am actually in love with her name, as Jacob came up with it, which makes it even more special to me. I can let you know her middle name is that of my grandmother/godmother’s: Mae.

My therapist also suggested starting on the nursery, making a dedicated space for Little Miss. Currently our third bedroom houses lots of guns, hunting equipment and Jacob’s closet, but I do have the vision in place and my mom is helping sew the curtains and bed skirt – which I am very excited about! There is no theme to the room, just pretty colors and flowers. It might be ready come August (and it might not).

Of course my therapist wouldn’t let me off easy and only talk about planning for this baby. We had to “dig deep” for those feelings and some type of lesson to be learned. Ugh…

So as I started talking, I reminisced on how I didn’t want to become pregnant when I did. I first wanted to learn how to cope with my diagnoses without medication so I could later become pregnant. Surprise! It turns out– this pregnancy actually forced me to learn how to cope without medications. All those days I was angry about delaying my journey to finding myself and becoming a better person, I was actually already doing it. Most days I’m too exhausted to battle inside my head and worry about others. Most days I can’t wait to get home, sit down, have some family time and go to bed at 8 p.m. Most days are really good days.

Currently my providers are worried about my high blood pressure, so I don’t have the option to get worked up and wig out. All these years I chose mania and explosive disorder. I chose to not cope. But it is possible. It’s not easy; it takes a lot of hard work, but it is possible. I am nowhere near being perfect and haven’t completely “rid myself” of anger and addictions, but I am making so many improvements.

On February 4^th I wrote an entry titled “I Don’t Want This Child” and it was 1000% accurate. I ended it with “Perhaps I don’t want this child, but I need this child.”

And all the while that remains true, I can now tell you after weeks of prayers, reflection, and accepting: I am so excited and I want this child more than I ever knew!