“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”

Ok, be honest… how many of us think or have thought anxiety is fake?

Up until this past year, I was one of those people. I didn’t understand the term “anxiety” and I thought it just went along with depression like peanut butter goes with jelly. I would just say, “yeah, I have depression and anxiety.” This wasn’t really fair to me, or to people who truly suffered from it. I had NO idea what anxiety really was. Everyone gets nervous, everyone worries… that is not anxiety. But that is what I thought.

Fast forward to today, I had a panic attack (also referred to as an anxiety attack). These have been happening more frequently. Oddly enough, about an hour afterwards, my therapist’s office called me and said he had a 4 o’clock cancellation, would I like to come in… UM, YES! How did he know? So we discussed my attack(s) and what is happening. We discussed my constant vomiting, and while an effective weight-loss trick, not exactly a healthy or fun one. I told him, I really thought anxiety was fake and people are just being babies. Oh, but they are not! This is so real. Too real. Sometimes it’s so hard to breath, sometimes I get dizzy, sometimes I shake. All the time I throw up.

Soon I will see a prescribing psychologist who hopefully can get my meds under control and my nerves under control and this vomiting will subside (or at least lessen)! I asked for coping tools or any tricks he could give me. He explained “grounding” to me. Which is great, as long as I’m not the one asking the questions, because I can’t focus long enough to ask myself the questions. So this blog is actually for my family, friends, and coworkers– I am asking for your help! I need you to have the tools to help ground me. If I have a panic attack, I will call you, and I need you to say the following (known as the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique):

1. Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you.
2. Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you.
3. Acknowledge THREE things you hear.
4. Acknowledge TWO things you can smell.
5. Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste.

Strangely enough, this did help me.

Or… instruct me to inhale, count to five for me, and tell me to exhale, count to five for me. Please and thank you.

I also told my therapist I almost wish I could just deal with my bi-polar issues instead of this anxiety. At least during those episodes I feel in control; he reminded me no one likes bi-polar Mandy. Schucks.

I don’t understand how someone (me) can go from loving being the center of attention to hating it over night. I don’t understand how someone (me) was so confident in herself and loved being called an extrovert to hating herself and being an introvert over night. I don’t understand why I feel the way I do. I don’t understand and I don’t like it.

So until I get can this all sorted out, all I ask is to give me just a little bit of grace and a little bit of leeway. I am already being hard enough on myself, I just need a little extra encouragement these days. I doubt myself as a mom, as a wife, as an employee, as a human, every single day.

Am I going to avoid this in person by dodging things using humor? Absolutely I am. Am I going to be super sarcastic, even with my therapist? Absolutely I am. Because I really don’t know how else to be.

And for those of you who have dealt with anxiety much longer than me and continue to deal with it alongside me, I am sorry for not believing you previously, I am sorry for doubting you. I do not want anyone to doubt me.