Didn’t He Know?

*This is my first recorded manic episode, written in the deer blind. As silly as most of this will sound, it is what I go through, a lot.*

Why today of all days I thought I could be independent. I decided that even though Jake couldn’t get off work to go hunting like we’ve done for the last 13 years, I would just go by myself. What a joke! I was pissed before I even left.

Didn’t he know my muck boots were on top of the garage fridge and I couldn’t reach them? Didn’t he know I haven’t been able to find my UnderArmour for weeks and he should have magically made it appear 10 minutes before I needed to leave? Didn’t he know my phone doesn’t hold a charge and I needed that blue Aqua charger thingy Uncle Bob gave us one year for Christmas that has suddenly disappeared into his hunting backpack?

I slow my roll and tell myself to calm down. Not today. I’ve been doing so good, no manic episodes today. Not yet. No one will even know if I make it to the woods 30 minutes later than I had planned. Oh, but wait, I remember he didn’t put any chairs in the blind, so I now have to get a bag chair… hanging 9 foot up on the garage wall and I’m a generous 5’3”. Didn’t he know I couldn’t reach those chairs? In addition to that chair, I’m going to need my gloves, some Hot Hands, a pen and paper to write this rant on, some snacks and that damn phone charger I can’t find. Didn’t he know I’d need a bag to carry that all in? I haven’t even mentioned my gun yet. Didn’t he know I’d take the Mossberg? I always take the Mossberg, I hate the Remington. Didn’t he know I’d need that in my SUV, why didn’t he put it in there for me?

Finally I pull my big girl britches on and have everything I need. Damn, I can do things for myself. My blood pressure has sky-rocketed, but I think I’ve avoided a manic episode. For now.

Fast forward 30 minutes to when I arrive across the road from our hunting blind. I calmly get out of my SUV and begin to get ready. I put my boots on… shit… my socks don’t feel right. Nope, can’t do it. Take one boot off, re-position said sock, put boot back on. Nope! Still isn’t right. I try taking the boot back off, lose my balance, fall against my vehicle, rip that f’ing boot off and chuck it across the parking lot (I parked at a business… luckily they were closed and hopefully their security cameras did not get this footage.) Now I have to walk across the gravel to get the boot and put it back on. Finally, both socks/boots are perfect.

Deep breath. I get my gun out of its case and have a minor panic attack. How do I load this thing? My heart starts racing, fear and panic come over me. Do I drive up the road to the neighbor’s and ask for help? NO. I can do this. FOCUS. My thoughts are racing and my hands are shaking. Think Mandy, think. Yes! I remember. I load the gun, double-check the safety and all is good. I grab the bag chair I got off the garage wall with a broom, my cooler that doesn’t have any drinks in it (remember: gloves, Hot Hands, a pen and paper, some snacks and that damn phone charger… yes I put them in a cooler). Holy hell this is a lot to be carrying while tromping through the woods. Deep breath, I can do this. A little ray of sunshine! Someone left the gate open for me, something I don’t have to do… smile on my face!

I start to make my way to the blind. Shit! Where did he put it? Didn’t he know to tell me where it is this year? Do I have to cross the creek? Yes of course I do, where else would he put it? But didn’t he know I’d have to cross the creek by myself, alone, while carrying a gun, bag chair, and cooler?

I make my way up the side of the embankment. It’s pure mud. I slip and fall… into the water. Are you freaking kidding me? Didn’t he know I’d have to climb this embankment with no one pulling me up like he normally does?

I shake it off and fight back the tears. I head towards the blind. Why can’t I find it? I’m walking in the general direction and there, collapsed to the ground—the blind. The roof, covered in snow, is laying on the ground. I feel tears start to fill my eyes. Now what? Anger comes over me. I get out my phone to call Jake. Didn’t he know the snow would make the blind cave in?

No answer. Lucky him.

I throw the cooler, bag chair and gun on the ground. Relaaaax. I can do this, I can put it back up. Wrong. Not tall enough. C’mon Mandy, think! I get the bag chair out to stand on and am able to get it pushed back up. Genius! Wait… what was that noise? I look back towards the north and there it is, a buck chasing a doe. Where’s my gun? Oh that’s right, on the ground under the cooler and bag chair. I watch them run away across the road. I try calling Jake again.

No answer. Lucky him.

Didn’t he know there would be deer in here? Didn’t he know I would scare them off while trying to fix this blind? Didn’t he know I would have an absolute meltdown trying to do this all on my own?

Now I’m writing this and wondering, why am I so angry with him? Or am I really? Maybe I’m just refusing to be angry with myself. I’m beginning to realize I always deflect my personal angry towards him. That really isn’t fair.

Breath, Mandy. HE DIDN’T KNOW.