Embarrassing. (contains explicit content)
The last 24 hours have been hard. Very hard. I have felt worthless. I have felt heartbroken. I have felt anger; lots of anger. I have felt betrayed.
I have been told by someone he hopes I lose my husband and two girls. I was told by another I was a psycho cunt. I was told I was embarrassing.
My family was threatened. I was told multiple times I would get knocked the fuck out.
Was there alcohol involved? Yes. Had I been drinking? Approximately 1 1/2 beers in 3 hours. I would and still do consider myself sober. I cannot speak for everyone else.
I witnessed people who I thought supported me turn on a dime.
For the first time in my life, I stood up for myself. I didn’t keep quiet, I didn’t walk away. I stood up for myself. Could the screaming have been avoided? Sure. Not my best judgement. Could I have walked away? Sure. Not my best judgement. But instead, I stood up for myself.
Top five worst decisions of my life. Grown men called me horrible things, told me to watch my back, and laughed in my face. Grown men actually said they were going to hit me.
Bystanders chose to defend these men. I was alone. I had zero support, because it’s always the psycho cunt’s fault.
I went into full fight or flight, had a panic attack, and starting throwing up. Then the comments… “thought you said you weren’t drunk?” Sometimes people puke for other reasons, but that wasn’t an argument I was ever going to win.
I was outnumbered. I was being screamed at. My world was closing in. Only one person involved later came to check on me. One.
Another person, not involved, brought me meds at 1 a.m. for my out of control anxiety.
Two people called/texted, those being Jake’s family. Not even my own family.
I feel alone. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. I took multiple psych drugs at once this afternoon. Mostly hoping to sleep, slightly hoping to never wake up.
Turns out, the people you think you’re the closest with, will drop you in a heartbeat. Let’s call someone with mental illness crazy, let’s call her a psycho cunt, and let’s threaten her family. Let’s call her embarrassing, after all, isn’t that what mental illness is? Embarrassing.
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