For You Are Dust, and to Dust You Shall Return

It’s that time of year again… the Lenten Season! Almost every year I give up Facebook for Lent. To some it’s become expectant, to others I still get the eye roll. But I’ve had to come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t really care if others expect it or think I’m stupid, I do it for me. So my therapist asked why I don’t just give it up completely… not come back after Lent, disconnect from social media altogether.

That’s really a good question. Why don’t I? I shouldn’t need others’ approval of whether they think my kid is cute and/or funny—I know she is! But then sometimes, there’s this rare occasion, that a person who I least expect tells me I’m the reason they keep Facebook. Me? …You’re talking about me? I don’t believe for a second that a single person couldn’t live their life without my Facebook, but I sure do enjoy trying to pull through for them! Maybe they appreciate the stupid jokes/conversations I post. Maybe they enjoy when I share the link to my blog. Maybe they enjoy seeing the 10,000 pictures of MJ. Whatever it may be, and as silly as it may sound, I like that they look forward to me providing whatever pick-me-up that might be. I feel wanted. I feel needed.

But then… sometimes… I don’t pull through. I don’t have anything funny to say, I don’t have anything to write about in my blog, and I can’t get MJ to sit still long enough to take a picture that isn’t blurry. Most days are just OK days, and I don’t feel like that’s blog-worthy at all. My therapist asked me if I’m still blogging regularly. Well what is considered regularly? I haven’t posted in almost a month. He asked why not… and I didn’t have an answer other than, life has just been blah. I’ve not had any manic/explosive episodes, I’ve not yelled at anyone, and I’ve not cried myself to sleep. I’ve not been overly excited about anything, good or bad, so why write about that?

And then came the light! Turns out, it’s not that things are any different than they’ve ever been; I’m just choosing to react differently. The things I used to yell and scream about suddenly don’t hold such high importance anymore. Six months ago, had MJ colored her entire body and my dresser with Sharpie, I would have surely had an episode. And while I could feel my blood boiling and the tears starting to form when she showed me her “PUR-PLE BELLY MOMMY!” I instead chose to laugh. Why be angry? Angry at myself for leaving the Sharpie within reach? Angry at myself for falling asleep and not specifically asking Jake to keep an eye on her? Why be angry at all?

No one died. Things were ok. Things will always be ok.

Being ok is OK.

Correction, OK is good. So good for me not having anything blog-worthy to say.

See you all in 40 days 🙂