Grudges & Struggles

“Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

I’m sure many of us at some point in our lives have held a grudge. Many of us may even still be holding onto one, or several. I would go as far as to proclaim myself the “Grudge Queen.” Before I started seeking help, I was an angry person and held a lot of grudges. I’ve slowly started letting go of most (not all) and what a weight it has lifted. What do we accomplish by holding grudges? It most certainly doesn’t seem to hurt the other person, but it weighs us down, making us carry that anger with us. But why? Why do I constantly need to remind myself I’ve been wronged? It’s not earning me any sympathy or compassion.

Along with grudges comes the idea of loyalty to others. Sometimes I would hold grudges because someone I consider myself loyal to was wronged. How dumb! I’ve wasted hours of my life holding a grudge against someone simply because they wronged a friend or family member, but in no way directly impacted me.

It’s time to let go. I’ve been letting go… and it is exhilarating! So in my box of about 20 held grudges, I’ve emptied out around nine or ten and am working on the rest. I have to remember I can’t fill it back up either (which is proving more difficult than I thought with the amount of stupidity revolving around the ‘Vid)!

I’m also trying to do better at not getting my feelings hurt so easily, and if/when I do, I let it be known. It’s very difficult admitting when I’ve had my feelings hurt, because it makes me feel weak. One of the first times I admitted to it, it blew up in my face and turned into chaos, so I told myself I would never do that again! Turns out, I was just dealing with someone who is condescending and the next time I tried, it was received much better.

I struggle with getting defensive when my feelings are hurt. I also struggle with remembering not everyone likes me. I struggle remembering I’m not always right and not everyone thinks/processes information the same way I do. It’s ok to disagree. It’s ok if someone doesn’t like me (although being a people-pleaser really makes this hard for me to accept).

I struggle with letting others help me. I complain that I’m doing all the work, but when asked if I need help, I lie and say no… because I just know I’ll have to do it my way/the right way in the end!! Jacob will ask, “Can I help by packing the diaper bag?” No… no, you cannot, because you’ll pack it wrong and I’ll have to unpack/repack it anyway! God bless that man.

I also struggle to admit when I’m feeling depressed. One night last week when Jacob came home from work (later than usual… farming season, yuck) he asked what was wrong and I just had to tell him, “I’m feeling depressed and we need to do something.” We heisted the neighbor’s Ranger and went for a joyride with the girls. It helped and all I had to do was speak up.

Grudges and struggles suck, but bringing them to light has really helped me. I’m slowly letting go and more frequently speaking up.

And I just have to say, the ‘Vid sucks and I’m ready to be back to normal… whenever that may be.