I am not an angry person!

There are days when I feel like everything in the world is right and I’m on a whimsical high… and then there are days that I’m sad or angry, and just want to lie in bed all day, having no motivation to do anything. Most days my mood is calm, other days I feel completely feeble.

I’m slowly learning that I have triggers that can instantly spin my world upside-down. The bad part is, I don’t always know what these triggers are until it’s already happened and I am already consumed by an episode. These triggers make my moods escalate very quickly and I become irrational. Once I start to come out of an episode, I am overwhelmed with depression and often times self-deprecation.

I have to convince myself I am not an angry person; although that’s the lie I’ve been telling myself for years. I get angry. I get very angry, and I get angry often. Now that I am analyzing all the times I go over the edge, I’m realizing what tiny things send me over.

I can’t imagine living with me is easy. What tiny thing sends me over last week, might not bother me this week. It is so unpredictable, and no one can prevent it or avoid it, except me. I have to learn not to react so suddenly (and stupidly). I have noticed most recently my episodes are happening soon after an anxiety buildup. For example, as I’ve previously mentioned, I don’t do holidays well. Anxiety overcomes me knowing we are going somewhere with more than a handful of people and I have to control myself- especially my mouth. Thanksgiving Day is a great example of me losing my shit.

We had Jake’s extended family’s gathering at 11:30. I had gotten MJ dressed and did her hair and redid her hair (three times, because the first two times probably looked fine, but her part was off centered and I couldn’t handle it knowing I did it… Side note: when her sitter does her hair, I always love it no matter what… because I didn’t do it).

It was 10:55 and I was getting myself ready in the bathroom. I had my makeup done and was working on straightening my hair when Jake walked in and asked, “You know we’re supposed to be there at 11:30, right?” While I’m sure he was innocently asking, it was my trigger for the day.

Why no, Jake, I thought it was at 1 o’clock, even though I’m the one that told you 11:30! Followed by my throwing of a hair brush and about 17 F-Bombs and telling him how he makes it his mission to piss me off and maybe he should learn to keep his mouth shut.

Now that I’m not in the middle of an episode, I need to reevaluate this. Let’s be real… I’m the one who needs to learn to keep their mouth shut. After I came down from my mania, I felt immediate guilt for the way I acted and spoke to him. He doesn’t deserve to be treated the way I often treat him. Too often I deflect my anger. This seems to be a common theme for me. Once again, why am I so angry?

Repeat, I am not an angry person. I have a mood disorder and I am still learning how to navigate it.

(Due to the holiday, I missed a week of seeing my dude. I can absolutely tell. I don’t think I’m ready to see him less often. I need his guidance to keep me on track. I wonder if he’ll agree to see me Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Don’t think I won’t ask!)