I’m just trying to get through the holidays…

Get through! Christmas is the greatest day in the whole wide world!

Buddy the Elf would be so disappointed in me, but the holidays seem to be the time my hypomania increases, my agitation increases, my depression increases… everything seems to heighten this time of year. Maybe it’s the stress, maybe it’s the euphoric feelings, and maybe it’s just everything and nothing at all.

I always say I love the Christmas season, but I equally dislike the Christmas season. I stress over the financials – not just trying to buy presents for everyone, but with the season comes colder weather which doubles, nearly triples our electric bill. Money is tight for us during the winter months anyway, but to add the expenses of trying to show people you love them with expensive gifts- I often can’t handle it and don’t enjoy the time we are supposed to be most thankful. (Remember me mentioning spending/losing a significant amount of Jake’s money– Christmas the last five years was a huge part of it.)

Every year after Thanksgiving we put up our Christmas tree, like the majority of people probably do. While I’m sure other families look forward to and enjoy it, it is dreaded in our household. We have never put up our tree without me having a manic episode ending in tears. Why? Because the lights aren’t perfectly distanced apart, the ornaments aren’t distributed equally, the angel isn’t perfectly straight, the tree isn’t centered in the picture window, and for the love of Saint Nicholas that tree skirt is not laying correctly. And every year, Jacob’s response is “Who cares?”

I CARE! I CARE! I CARE!

I don’t want to care. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could just say to hell with it, it looks fine… but I can’t. I simply cannot.

No one understands this. So this year my mom suggested us not putting up the tree. NOT PUT UP THE TREE? That’s blasphemy! But why do I insist on putting myself through hell? Because I do enjoy the tree, once I get it perfect.

One year, my cousin and her friends made fun of us for keeping our tree up well into February. I laughed it off and said we couldn’t take it down because Jacob broke his ribs (true story). However, I like to leave it up because I want to enjoy my perfectionism as long as I possibly can. After all the yelling, screaming, and crying, I just can’t watch it be taken down.

I don’t know what day we will end up attempting this tree fiasco this year. I’m telling myself I have to let these feelings go and try to be ok with it. Someone suggested I let MJ decorate it and then I won’t have to be perfect. Um… NO! A two year old is not decorating my tree, what a hot mess that would be!

Or would it be?

I don’t seem to have issues when someone else does something that isn’t perfect; it’s only when I can’t be perfect. I don’t go to my parents’ house and rearranged their disproportionally decorated tree. (Although in my mind I can pick out 20 things I’d change in the first 3 minutes of looking at it.)

So maybe the answer this year is I don’t decorate my own tree! How interesting this might be!

I’m open to trying new things and see if I can control how I react. Stay tuned… I have no idea where this might lead me, but I am going to step outside of my comfort zone and see if the world stops!