Ramblin’ Man

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything, and my thoughts are all over the map, bear with me. Let me recap some situations that show my progress (or lack thereof).

To start, MJ’s birthday party. Why is there so much pressure on throwing an over-the-top kids birthday party? I blame Pinterest. I fell into the trap and wanted to give her an awesome party. Except, my anxiety has been so high lately and I don’t do well with large crowds, especially if I’m the host. I become very overwhelmed trying to entertain others. So side-note, if you haven’t been invited to things (like MJ’s birthday or baby girl’s baptism), it’s my fault and no one else’s. I purposely didn’t invite everyone, not to be mean or excluding, it was simply for my mental health. I am not sorry if you were offended. Moving on… things that went wrong with the birthday party: Did anyone notice MJ’s name was spelled wrong on her cake? Oops, but oh well! It still tasted great. Did anyone notice how cheap the tablecloths were from Amazon and you could see right through them and two were ripped? Oops, oh well, we threw them away when we were done. Did anyone notice the pinwheels didn’t make it in the food line because I couldn’t figure out how to cut them without smashing them? Oops, oh well, my mom and Darlene came through with better food anyway! Did anyone notice I stuffed the piñata with MJ’s Halloween candy from trick-or-treat the weekend before? Oops, but I got it out of my house! Now the old Mandy would have been in the car crying about these things, but thanks to my meds, I didn’t let it bother me and knew I was doing the best I could. No one seemed to mind. If they did, too bad!

Another incident was our Christmas photo session. I had Santa coming to star in the pictures with the girls and it was going to be awesome! Well, Santa forgot his hat. No big deal, Mrs. Claus was going to bring it to Effingham, no problem. Until that south town train that likes to stop on the tracks for an hour at a time reared its ugly head before Mrs. Claus could get across the tracks, leaving Santa with no hat and the girls with no pictures. Now the old Mandy would have been in the car crying about this, but thanks to meds, I didn’t let it bother me and just laughed. The photographer did offer to have us come back, but after MJ’s behavior the last 30 minutes, I knew that wasn’t going to happen! So oops, no pictures of Santa on our Christmas cards this year.

So while I feel like I handled these situations pretty darn good, I’ve still had my struggles. I am just so dang tired. All the time. I know, working and having two kids is tiring, but this is different. This is the depressive tired. This is the wanting to go to bed and never get up tired. This is wanting to drop the girls off somewhere for six hours and sleep, but the guilt would keep me awake. My anxiety has been high lately, and is only going to get worse with the holidays coming up. I don’t like cooking or making food and it’s always expected when going to a gathering. I stress over this and this year I’ve told myself I’m just not going to do it. (Do what? Not make food or not go? …TBD)

Anyway, I feel like I’m doing really well handling situations, but still struggling with feelings. Some days are a lot harder than others. I still struggle with being home alone and am very ready for Jacob to be home in the evenings. I love that he’s a hard worker and working a second job to help with bills, but I would rather stress about paying bills than stress about being home alone. Yes, I know that sounds crazy, but it’s honest.

Being honest is hard. And scary. But so rewarding for yourself.

Challenge yourself to be honest about one thing today, and see how relieved you will feel. It’s tough, but so worth it.

In conclusion, I’m just trying to make a living and doing the best I can… I was born a ramblin’ man(dy).