Still Strong

Words I hear more and more often, mostly from Jacob are: “You don’t have to go!” Whether it’s a friend’s party, a softball game, grocery pick-up or a trip to the farm, his command is always the same: “You don’t have to go!”

Yes, I know I don’t have to, but I want to. And some days, I need to. I’ve been known to tell others I can feel like shit in bed just the same as I can feel like shit in the stands at the ball field. Even if it’s leaving the house for a twenty-minute SXS ride with MJ, or a drive to get Aldi pickup; yes, I feel like absolute crap, but I also need out of the house. I need to carry on and show my daughters I will be there for them (and me) no matter what.

This is where strength comes from. Strength, at least to me, isn’t going to my chemo treatments, or lab draws, or ultrasounds; those are things I have to do. But getting out of bed, to do something, anything, for my girls or with my girls, despite wanting to lay back down and pull the covers over my head… that is strength.

Putting on my makeup, as much highlighter under my eyes as humanly possible, and brushing my wig once placing it perfectly atop my head, that is strength. 

Disregarding the extra sixty pounds I now have in tow, finding some elastic-waist shorts and an oversized T-shirt from Jake’s closet, then going out in public for any and all to see… that is strength.

Your strength and my strength probably look a lot different. And that’s ok! Everyone is at a different stage in their life, with different struggles and different forms of strength.

Physically, I have zero strength. My muscles are tired and they are weak. My body is weak. 

Mentally, I am also weak. My mind itself is weak. I have a very hard time forming a complete sentence or thought. My memory is non-existent and some days, most days, are a blurr to me.

But my spirit… my spirit is strong. I am strong. Still hitting it hard, and still battling as if my life depends on it (and, well, considering…)! Even though there will be a few bad days, I am still strong.