Stressed & Depressed

Yesterday I saw a post that said, “I want to be holly and jolly, not stressy and depressy.”

Amen!

I really do want to enjoy the holidays, but I struggle. Hard. I want it to be perfect and there is just no such thing. I want the tree to look perfect, ornaments all aligned symmetrically, lights twinkling just so, perfectly framed in the center of the picture window… but who am I kidding? It just doesn’t happen. We put our tree up four nights ago and it still sits, bare, no additional lights, no ornaments, no angel, no tree skirt and not being plugged in, all because of my anxiety. I am dreading the start of decorating because I know what will follow. Tears. Lots of tears. Heart palpitations, pounding headache, and did I mention tears?

The tree is just the beginning of my holiday hardship. The presents, the parties, the pictures, the people, the ponies. Just kidding, there’s no ponies. Trying to find the perfect gifts and not wanting to look cheap. Are my parents actually disappointed when they say don’t get us anything and I really don’t get them anything? I want those I love to know how much I appreciate them, but I also want those I love to understand I’m still paying medical and dental bills from prior to baby girl being born (those haven’t even come yet)!

I feel guilty when I walk past the jolly good fellow ringing the bell outside Wal-Mart and only saying Merry Christmas without donating. I can’t donate every time, but I feel pressured to. Side-note on the topic of Wal-Mart, small rant—why on earth do they not open enough registers, thus forcing you to use self-checkout (unless you want to wait in line 30 minutes), and then insist on checking your cart/bags against your receipt, that you’ve already put inside your checkbook, inside your purse. Also, this only happens to me in Mattoon, I’ve never had this happen in Effingham. It angers me and is inconvenient and does not make me holly and jolly.

Moving on, I had a very insightful therapy session today. I expressed my feelings of “blah” as I like to describe it, and was asked what started the feelings of “blah.” It always starts with me getting my feelings hurt. Once my feelings are hurt, I get defensive and angry, and once I get defensive and angry, I have a hard time letting go of it and moving on. Those feelings of anger turn into depression and I let it affect me and those around me. So I learned a couple things from my therapist.

• You can be pissed without letting it effect the rest of your life. Instead of letting the anger consume your day-to-day, just acknowledge that an event has made you mad, you still hold the mad feelings about it, but nothing else. You can’t take it out on your husband and children, they aren’t the ones who made you angry, so don’t let it bring them, or you down.

• Confront your feelings. (This is very new for me). I hate confrontation. Hate it. So instead of keeping it bottled up, simply acknowledge it. You don’t have to be mean about it, just truthful.

Another thing we talked about was how I handled being a “single parent.” Umm… shout-out to two of my very close friends who are single moms, I have no clue how you do it! At all.

For starters, I don’t do well when home alone period. Throw in two screaming kids and I’m a total mess. So while Jacob was gone on his hunting trip, I made the decision to not put myself in the position and went to my parents every night that week. I told my therapist how I was embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn’t manage a couple nights of being a single parent. He changed my view when he said he was actually proud of me for acknowledging the fact that I knew I wouldn’t handle it well, and instead, did the smart thing by having help. I have to stop comparing myself to other parents. Just because someone else can take care of two kids while being by themselves, doesn’t me I have to be able to. I know I get too anxious and overwhelmed, so why even set myself up for failure? I should be proud that I was aware and avoided the meltdown I was bound to have. So good for me! I’m not ashamed I need help, and really, I’m pretty sure my parents loved it. It really was better for everyone. I am in a better mood when I’m not stressed and overwhelmed and can relax and have fun with the kids. That’s just how it’s going to be for me. So if that makes me a crappy parent, so be it. My kids are alive, fed, and sometimes have clean clothes on!

So here’s to holly & jolly… and getting that tree decorated!