The Update I Never Gave…

Several people have asked, so I figured since my writing mind is wound up this week, it’s as good a time as any.

So what treatment plan did we choose? 

Numero dos:

Lupron injections + Arimidex – Yum Yum came in fast and hard with this recommendation, telling me if it was his wife in my chair, he would make her do this one. Side effects are heavy in the menopausal department AND psychiatric department. Emphasis on mental health.

I started this treatment on Labor Day. And to put it bluntly, it freaking sucks. My hormones are all over the place, my joint pain is 7-8/10, the night sweats are brutal, and frankly, I’m not sure how I’m still married.

I cry at the drop of a hat, I scream over stupid things, and I feel like I did 10 years ago while unmedicated and my bipolar depression was in full swing.

I don’t feel like myself. My fuse is short, my temper is hot, and I am a mess. I feel like I have to constantly defend myself and make excuses. Most days I just want left alone, which is not me at all. Or at least the old me. I don’t know this new me. I’m still navigating all these emotions, on top of still being a cancer patient. 

I dread going to chemo (coming up next week), and strangely to add to my long list of problems I’ve lost control of my bladder. What 33 year old pees themselves? Regularly! 

I don’t find myself laughing near as much as I used to, and my coping mechanism of humor has almost ran dry. I’m a lot these days; in addition to trying to be a mom, a wife, and an employee. I’m failing at all three. And without those three, who or what am I? 

A freaking cancer patient.

Edit *a [California] sober* cancer patient. Yes, I gave up alcohol and am almost two months sober. That’s been interesting in itself.

So I guess that’s why I never gave the update, because it’s pretty depressing and I don’t have the energy to be inspiring or strong.

I’m just surviving.