Time

Time. Everyone’s perception of time is different. After talking with a friend last night, we realized how completely different our view of time is. In her words, “It’s only an hour” and in my words, “It’s a whole hour!” Let me explain.

To someone with depression, time moves much slower than reality. For example, we were discussing how our spouses view time, and we view time. She and Jacob similarly work longer hours and arrive home later in the evening… whereas her husband and I, who arrive home earlier in the evenings view time differently from them. Being at home alone for 1-2 hours, doesn’t seem like that much time. Perhaps she and Jacob wonder why or how we can get depressed in such a “short” period of time.

But to people with depression, time drags on. Especially time alone. One hour by myself can feel like five. Most evenings when Jacob is working late, I try to find something to fill that time, which does not include staying at home. Sure, there’s probably a lot you all could get done around the house in those couple hours, but to me, that is entirely too much time alone with my thoughts.

I’ve had a few people make comments about how often I go to my parents’ house, specifically during the week. Yes, it is no lie; you will most likely see my vehicle there multiple evenings/week. While it isn’t so much that I need them to do things for me, I simply need their presence. I need someone to talk to and interact with (above the age of 2).

While I’m sure most adults enjoy weekends with no plans and nowhere to go, I actually dread it. I need things to do and places to be; I need my time to be occupied. I need to be busy. I’m scared what maternity leave might bring. Last time I suffered from post-partum terribly and I am trying to prepare myself for this go-around. Positives about this year will be it’s not dead of winter, so I can hopefully get out of the house more, my mom should still be off work for a week or two, my mother-in-law has offered to take off a week to help me and I’m building my support system ahead of time, knowing what to expect!

Additionally, I’ve become much more open about discussing my depression/anxiety/bi polar and expected post-partum. While writing a blog is one thing, as it’s easy to sit behind a keyboard and express these thoughts, I am slowly beginning to speak openly, in person, to others. Surprisingly, not only is it helping me, I think I have really educated a few others. I hope I can continue to educate the uneducated on mental illness.

Just yesterday while at work passing a colleague in the hallway, she asked about MJ and the baby-to-come. I probably over-shared and word vomit came out letting her know with no shame I’m nervous about how I will handle my depression post-delivery. Her words, which seem to echo so many were, “I would have never guessed you suffered from depression. You seem so bubbly and outgoing!”

Well… that’s the thing: depression is often silent and camouflaged. Those who you would least expect, often suffer. So please keep that in mind. I think of it like Facebook… everyone has the perfect life, marriage, career and kids on Facebook, but sometimes, it’s all for show.