Wants vs. Needs

We are all feeling it. Most of us are worried about it. Some of us are depressed. A few of us are having panic attacks. The state we live in. Both literally and figuratively. Illinois and poverty. I don’t have to tell any of you the struggle filling up your vehicle is, or how my grocery pickup of the exact same items from November 2021 is now $80 higher than it was six months ago. Why are paper plates and laundry detergent so expensive? Why are diapers/pull-ups so damn expensive? Why is everything so f’ing expensive?

Two weeks ago, the hubs actually rummaged through his center console to find money for a loaf of bread at DG. I’ve picked up quarters off my floor boards to get the girls a half gallon of milk and MJ constantly asks if I have any monies for an ice cream cone, after I fill my tank up at the gas station.

Growing up, I know my parents struggled. I didn’t know it at the time, but as an adult, I figure they had to have. They were a one-income family, raising two kids. But my parents never lead us to believe we didn’t have money or were struggling. My brother and I never wanted for anything (that we knew of). But yes, my parents struggled… hard.

As parents, Jacob and I are struggling hard also. But I don’t want our girls to know that. I don’t want MJ asking if I have any monies this week. I don’t want MJ asking if she can have Capri Suns this month or if they are too expensive. But I’ve allowed for that to happen, unintentionally. I have to do better. I don’t want her knowing that we are struggling. That isn’t something she should be worried about.

These days are just tough.  On all of us. I’ve often joked that I’m worth more dead than I am alive. Some days the thought isn’t a joke. I do imagine all the things my family could do with my life insurance. But there’s one thing that would be missing from the daydream, and it’s me. I need to be here for my family. I need to be here for my girls. I need to be here for my parents, and my godchildren. I need to be here for my friends and their children. But sometimes there is a difference between the needing and the wanting. Some days I don’t want to be here for any of that. But most days, I do.

Times are hard. We are struggling. I am struggling. But I choose to be happy today. Not because that’s what I need to do, but because that’s what I want to do.