What Bipolar Depression Looks Like

If I had a dollar for every time someone said they would’ve never guessed I was bipolar or depressed, I could pay off that manic-compulsive shopping spree I just went on last week.

Depression isn’t external. Depression is internal. I will greet you with a smile, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m OK on the inside. Depression is often hidden by humor and laughing, just the sense of trying to feel OK, wanting to feel OK.

Some people with bipolar depression swing between mania and depression, but for me, I spend most of my time in a state of depression. When I do hit mania, I have extremely high optimism and am also easily irritated. I am extremely impulsive (specifically spending money) and find it hard to concentrate. While I am getting better at recognizing my mania, it has yet to stop me from following through. It is almost an out-of-body experience and you transform into someone with no cares and no regard for anything. Unfortunately, coming out of mania is extremely depressing once you’ve realized what you’ve done and then overthink and over-analyze every second and every detail of the episode. Sometimes I don’t reach full mania, and only make it to hypomania. This can put me in an unusually good mood/weird mood, and rarely escalates to mania, and most often leads to a depressive episode.

Not everyone feels all the symptoms included in bipolar depression, such as weight loss. Man, that’s one symptom I wish I did have! But the feelings of worthlessness and guilt are high on my list along with concentration and memory problems. Anxiety is another symptom I can throw into the mix.

But what I need y’all to remember is this is happening while I hold a smile on my face. I want to be happy, and sometimes I genuinely am. But this past month or so has been challenging and I’m not enjoying myself like I previously had been. So for those of you close to me, this is me asking for your help, just a little extra support. If we have plans and I bail, please don’t be mad. If I don’t send you a Christmas card, please don’t be mad. If for whatever reason I do something unlike myself, just remember, I’m finding my way back. All I ask for this holiday season is a few extra prayers, and if you have $3k lying around, I’d take that too.